Lofty Pursuits presents the tradition of the Thanksgiving Haggadah. Our tradition from our home to yours.

In the Jewish tradition, the Haggadah is a text that is read every year at the Seder on the two nights of Passover so that we will never forget the Exodus. This is not that.

The Thanksgiving Haggadah is read every year on Thanksgiving so that the events of “Turkey’s Away” from the WKRP episode from 1978 is never forgotten. Not the same thing, not even close, but in either case the food is great.

Parts are read by rolls traditionally as follows

Mr. Carlson: The head of the household hosting the feast

Les: The honored guest of the feast

Narrator: The person who has no idea what WKRP in Cincinnati is/was Also traditionally does the voice of Venus Flytrap using a different accent.

Shopowner: The first person to the left of whomever reads Les who does not have a roll.

Andy: The person closet to the gravy on the table. If you have no gravy you are on your own.

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This story takes place in two places. Les and the Shopowner are at the Pinedale Shopping Mall doing a remote radio feed to the Sound booth at WKRP a Cincinnati radio station where all other characters are located.

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Les: What?

Shopowner: You're blocking my store here, buddy.

Les: Don't you know who I am?

Shopowner: Eh?

Les: I'm Les Nessman. I won the Buckeye News-hawk Award last year.

Les: I'm sorry.

Shopowner: Freak.

Narrator: Cut back to station, in the sound booth

Andy: So far so good, huh?

Les: I'm here with hundreds of people who have gathered to witness what has been described as perhaps the greatest turkey event in Thanksgiving Day history. All we know for sure is that in a very few moments, there are going to be a lot of happy people out here.

Les: Now the crowd is...the crowd is...(reacting to people staring at him and brushing by) the crowd is curious, but well-behaved. Oh! I think I hear something now. Uh, the crowd is moving out into the parking area, and...oh yes, I can see it now. It's a...it's a helicopter, and it's coming this way.

Narrator: (cut back to Andy in the booth)

Andy: A helicopter?

Narrator: (cut back to Les, on scene)

Les: It's flying something behind it...I can't quite make it out. It's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ...

Note: Everyone at the table except Les tries to help with hand gestures as he try's to painfully slowly read the letters on the banner

Les: From... W.... ... K... ... R... ... P!!

Les: What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight! The copter seems to be circling the parking lot now, perhaps looking for a place to land...no, something just came out of the back of the helicopter! it's a...a dark object, uh...perhaps a skydiver, plummeting to the earth from only 2000 feet in the air...and a second, and a third! ...No parachutes yet.

Les: Those can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but—OH MY GOD, THEY'RE TURKEYS!!! Oh, no, Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're crashing to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is terrible. (cut back to Les on-scene) The mob is running around pushing each other...oh my goodness. Oh, the humanity! People are running about...the turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Folks...I don't know how much longer they're...the crowd is running for their lives. I think I'm going to step inside...I can't stay out here and watch this any longer......no, I can't go in there. Children are searching for their mothers, and...oh, not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this! I don't know how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd...

Johnny: Les? Les? Les, are you there? (pause) Les isn't there. Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. And for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Narrator: And then, later at the station, the aftermath… Les enters the reception area looking ruffled and bewildered

Venus Flytrap: Les! Are you okay?

Les: I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered, but some of them tried to attack me! I had to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr. Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys loose...it gets pretty strange after that.

Andy: Aw, Les, c'mon now, tell us the rest.

Les: I really don't know how to describe it. It was...like the turkeys mounted a counterattack! It was almost as if they were ...organized!!

Narrator: Mr. Carlson enters with Herb, both bedraggled and covered in turkey feathers

Mr. Carlson: As God is my witness…I thought turkeys could fly.

At this point dinner can be started in the manner you choose.